I'm an Idiot
Part I: Facing My Own Stupidity
Guys. I’m an idiot. I bought a brand new futon for our rental sight unseen from Pottery Barn. Yeah, I know, I know… Pottery Barn. (I blame Phoebe from Friends). But really, who buys a sofa without sitting on it first? Apparently, this genuis, because that’s exactly what I did. It checked all of the boxes, except the one that said “Hey, maybe try sitting on me FIRST!" But hey, how bad could it really be, amIright?
So I’m trusting good ‘ol Google to find me what I’m looking for and this futon appears. It’s a pretty basic look, which is what my dullness is going for. Perfect for a rental. But the kicker? It has STORAGE!!! A whole compartment underneath for storing bedding, games, regrets-whatever. Plus it was on sale. And did I mention it’s from POTTERY BARN? SOLD!
Part II: Lazy Princess
Fast forward to delivery day, and I’m feeling lazy (shocker). My wonderful husband, Andy, says to me, “Oh, Princess, (yes, he calls me princess when he is feeling quite fond of me), I can go and meet the delivery guys. You stay here and eat your bonbons and watch reruns of Friends.” In reality, I’m reading Northanger Abbey and eating Cheez-Its, but I wasn’t about to correct him. He’s too sweet. Also, this is why I married him.
Part III: Delivery
So the couch arrives. Andy’s ecstatic and calls me to tell me how wonderful the delivery service was and to give them the highest rating possible. He also gives them a fat tip. A bit later, he sends a picture of the couch and this text.
It does look wide, I think to myself, but nothing a few throw pillows can’t fix.
Gulp.
Part IV: Pillow-palooza
A couple of days later, I hit up Wally World and purchase $150 in pillows. Yes, you read that correctly. $150 in PILLOWS! I am determined to transform this couch into a cozy paradise. I get to the apartment and for the first time, I see the sofa in person. It is way wide. Like cross an ocean wide. Then I sit on the couch. Y’all, it’s the most uncomfortable thing I have ever. I lean back and now I’m confused. Is the back of this sofa made of stone? Why is it so deep? I arrange the pillows like I’m some interior designer boss babe. It doesn’t make it much better, but there’s not much else I can do at this point.
A short-term renter moves in for a couple of weeks. No complaints, but the couch is still in the back of my mind. After some back and forth between Andy and me, we decide the couch has to go as soon as the renter is out.
Part V: Plot Twist
Here’s where the fun begins. This morning, I’m ready to list it on Craigslist and cut my losses. I pull up the picture of the couch, then hop onto the Pottery Barn website to get the product description and start scanning the details…
“Loose back cushions,” the website says. Loose. Back. Cushions.
Wait a minute... ARE THERE SUPPOSED TO BE BACK CUSHIONS?!
I look at my photo.
No back seat cushions.
I look at the website again. Cushions, clear as day.
Y’all, THE BACK CUSHIONS WERE NEVER DELIVERED!!! Like, for real. How stupid can I be? This stupid, guys. This stupid.
It’s 6:30 in the morning, and while my night-owl husband sleeps blissfully unaware, I’m quietly losing my mind. I hop on the Pottery Barn chat, casually explain that they forgot to deliver the BACK CUSHIONS, and upload the “evidence.” But honestly, what kind of proof is this? Will the Pottery Barn police think I hijacked them? Do they think I spilled some Merlot and am now looking for a freebie replacement? Certainly, they will wonder why it took me over a MONTH to contact them. And, of course, they will think, who is this idiot just now realizing this?
Me. That’s who. Me.
(Don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted on the next segment in this Pottery Barn fiasco.)
IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS 📆
Something I read: Exit West by Mohsim Hamid. “For when we migrate. We murder from our lives those we leave behind.” 😭
Something I heard: The wind. A woodpecker. Crunchy leaves. It’s autumn! 🍁
Something I saw: My nephew marry his sweetheart! 💗
